Listen, chitlins, I'm not saying I'm a expert on Indian cuisine?I'm a Hungarian Jew for crying out loud. But at least I know that it's about as diverse and varied as, well, moi. Heck, from what I've heard, the term curry?which we've stamped all over every Indian dish that has any spice to it?wasn't even an Indian term way back when. It was invented by some ancient Anglo yahoos. (These were probably the same people who coined "Yoga-robics," but I can't prove that.)

Do you know what the difference is between a garam masala and curry? Well my crunchy flatbreads, the first is a bunch of super-aromatic spices that make up a spice mix, and the second can either be a bunch of super-aromatic spices that make up a spice mix or the dish made from that spice mix (or a waitress I once met on the interstate, but I don't think that was her real name). To further confuse the issue, the garam masala can be one of the ingredients for a curry but a curry should not be one of the ingredients for a garam masala. By the way, you must allow to me show off my knowledge of Hindi now: Garam means hot and Masala means mixture, hence?hot and spicy mixture. Ain't I impressive?

Now if you still have any brain cells left at all: Vindaloos are just another name for hot and spicy curries. Confused yet? Good, because it's best to be a little dazed and confused before you are about to start cooking Indian food. That way the wild and zingy seasonings can just push you right over the edge. Now then my pungent peppercorns let me just remind you of one thing: I am not Indian. Odds are you aren't, either. So bear with me while I try to scintillate and dazzle you with my awe-inspiring knowledge of Indian cuisine.

I've always found the trick to cooking up killer Indian vittles was to make up your seasonings and sauces first and then just have fun. I like to start by mixing up a batch of garam masala and a big ol' batch of tandoori marinade. Then it's time to party.

You can toss anything from chicken to salmon to shrimp to tofu or even your old lingerie in tandoori marinade and garam masala seasoning. It's good for jazzing up almost everything except coffee. Cardamom's good in coffee, though; so's a half a donut. But this is an Indian column.

Garam Masala
Most chefs would rather die than use pre-ground seasoning, so why not try it the real way: Buy a spice grinder or coffee grinder. Start by toasting the following in a dry pan: One handful of coriander seed, one half-handful of cardamom, one half-handful of cumin seed, a half-handful of peppercorns and a few pinches of fenugreek. After this gets nice and toasty and smells gorgeous, run it all through your spice grinder and add a pinch of ground cinnamon and a pinch of ground mace. That's a killer garam masala ready to go.

All-Purpose Vindaloo
Mix a coffee cup of rice wine vinegar with a tiny pinch each of cloves, turmeric, cinnamon and cayenne pepper, and a generous pinch of ground ginger, fresh ground black pepper, fresh ground cumin and fresh ground coriander. Saute 2 chopped onions, and after they're soft toss in 5 cloves of chopped garlic. When the onions begin to brown add the vinegar paste. Simmer for a few minutes. Season with salt and toss in your desired entree: Cut up chicken, chunks of lamb, chunks of beef, salmon cut into bite-size pieces, shrimp, tofu?whatever you're in the mood for.

Add a little water, cover the pan and simmer until done. Probably approximately an hour for most of the meats, a half-hour for fish, or 20 minutes for the shrimp and tofu. Garnish with chili powder and flat parsley.

Tandoori Paste

Mix a heaping pinch each of ground coriander, ground cumin, ground ginger, ground cardamom, turmeric, cinnamon, ground cloves, salt and red pepper. Make it into a paste by adding plain yogurt?at least a couple of coffee cups full?a few good drizzles of fresh lemon juice, maybe one chopped onion and a whole handful of minced garlic?at least 4 good pinches and a plop. (Garlic rules!)

You'll want to make enough tandoori base to generously cover whatever you're tandoorizing. I like to run the whole shebang through a food processor for a second for added fun, but you don't have to.

For the salmon?or whatever fish you're cooking?take filets or salmon steaks and marinate them in this mixture for at least 2 hours. For chicken, marinate overnight.

When ready to cook, lay your salmon out on a baking sheet or broiling pan, drizzle with a little melted butter and cook in your very hot oven. (For tandoori you want your oven nuclear-hot.)

For the chicken it's pretty much the same thing, only use the broiler or the grill. The best garnishes for tandoori are lemon wedges, onion rings, fresh coriander and sliced tomatoes. I also like to garnish with chili peppers.

Sometimes I make a cucumber cooler to take the heat out of the tandoori by mixing sliced cucumbers with salt, lemon juice and fresh cilantro.

Most folks are used to the red color of tandoori dishes. They think it's from the seasoning, but it's really food coloring. I hate chemical stuff like that, so if you really want the red, roast some red peppers, puree them and add them to your tandoori marinade. It won't be as red as the food dye, but it will be au natural.